


Secrets

by w_s



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-25
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-09-26 21:14:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9922382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/w_s/pseuds/w_s
Summary: Rafael Barba and Olivia Benson slowly get to know each other as they attempt to build a relationship.





	1. Chapter 1

“Look, we have several more hours of work left.” Benson sighed. “I want to get home to Noah, he’s already had dinner, so we don’t we grab some take-out and finish this at my place.”  
“Oh, are you sure?” Barba replied. “I won’t be … in the way?”  
“Not at all. He’ll be going to bed soon.” Benson smiled, knowing that Barba was generally pretty uncomfortable around Noah. He tried to hide it but he really did not know how to act around kids. “Come on, it’s much more comfortable there.”  
“Are you insulting my office?” Barba quipped.   
“Just because you live in it doesn’t mean that it is actually a house.” Benson replied with a smirk. “Come on.”   
\---   
Olivia returned to her living room, baby monitor in hand, and having changed into a pair of yoga pants and an NYPD t-shirt. Barba was sitting on her couch hunched over the coffee table which was covered in case notes. His suit jacket was flung over the back, his sleeves were rolled up, and his tie loosened. Olivia grabbed the paper bag with take-out Chinese they had brought home off the kitchen table and sat on the other end of the couch. “Sorry, he was a little fussy about sleeping tonight.”   
“That’s fine.” Barba flashed a quick smile and accepted his box of beef and broccoli chow mien. “Though, I am a bit jealous you got to change out of work clothes.”  
“What you don’t sleep in a three-piece suit?” Olivia teased.   
After a couple of hours of working straight Benson dropped her pen, leaned back, and rubbed her eyes. “This case is hell. I can’t believe that opening statements are tomorrow.”   
“Thanks for your confidence in me.”   
“Barba, you know it’s not that.” She rolled her eyes. “This case if far from perfect though, you have to admit that.” Barba gave a half shrug in agreement. “I need a glass of wine, you? Or scotch?”   
“Scotch sounds perfect.”   
The two went back to work and sipped their drinks. After another half-an-hour and two re-fills Barba put his pen down. “Rita, won’t know what hit her tomorrow.” He grinned. “I have a full-proof question tree for Mr. Barnes and his two roommates. They’re true colours will show. Doesn’t matter how Calhoun tries to drag that poor girl through the mud.”   
“Re-fill?” Olivia asked with the Scotch bottle already in hand. Barba smiled and nodded.   
“So, I have to ask, how long have to known Rita Calhoun? It seems like you two go way back.”   
“Ah, I’ve known Rita since we were eighteen. Our first year at Harvard.”   
“Really?” Olivia replied. “I bet you two made debates in class interesting.”   
“Eventually, yeah.” Barba chuckled.   
“I’m sensing there is a story there?”   
“Well, I was actually pretty quiet in class until part way through my second year of my undergraduate. A prof pulled be aside and explained that I was smart but if I wanted to really make it in I would have to speak up. By the end of law school the debates Rita and I had were … legendary.”   
“As hard as it is to imagine a quiet Barba, I assumed you were always mouthy, I guess get it. It must have been hard going to Harvard.”   
“Oh, don’t doubt that as a kid I was very mouthy. Thank God for Eddie keeping me safe.” Barba grinned at the memories of his childhood friend. “But, yeah, I mean, a Cuban kid from the South Bronx on scholarship, not exactly a recipe for fitting in at Harvard. It was hard to feel like I belonged but Rita was good. She wasn’t poor like me but she sure as hell wasn’t at rich as most of the others and as a young woman she had to prove herself too. So, yeah, we got along well.”   
“You never talk about when you were younger.” Olivia knew he was a private person, she was pretty private too, and she didn’t want to push too hard but she also wanted to know him better. Their friendship had taken its hits, mainly over the whole Tucker debacle, but they had rebuilt most of it. They were getting closer again. It wasn’t until after they grew apart that Olivia really realized how much she cherished their good working relationship but also their friendship. When they were no longer sharing a drink after a case or a coffee in the morning on the way to court Olivia realized how much she wanted to know him better.   
“Not much to talk about.” He muttered and cleared his throat. “What about you?”   
“What about me?”   
“You don’t talk about when you were younger very often.”   
“I guess I don’t.” Olivia took a sip of her Scotch which was starting to get to her and probably the reason she was chatting with Barba on such a personal level. “I joined the academy when I was eighteen, straight out of high school.”  
“That’s young.” Barba replied. “Never thought about college?”   
“I did but I didn’t have the money and wasn’t smart enough to get a scholarship, like some people.” She grinned. “And I knew I wanted to be a sex crimes detective, saw no reason to wait.”   
“You always knew you wanted to be a sex crimes detective?”   
“Pretty much, yeah.” Olivia licked her lips nervously. Barba didn’t know about Olivia’s past, it almost came up with the Avery Harper case, but it didn’t and she didn’t feel like telling him, not right then. “It’s late and opening statements are early tomorrow.”   
“Right, right.” Barba smiled and stood up. “Good night, Liv.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Mention/discussion of sexual assault

Olivia Benson ducked out of the rain and into Florini’s bar. It was a Friday night and the small bar was fairly busy but she spotted him immediately – the white and pink striped shirt grabbing her eye. It was a shirt he only wore occasionally but one she always liked. She pulled off her jacket and slipped onto the empty bar stool next to him. “Hi there.” Olivia smiled.   
“Oh, hi.” He replied with a small grin. “Can I get you a drink?” He knew better than to ask how she had known he would be there. The case had been hard, they fought hard, and they lost. They had known each other long enough to know where the other one went after a hard day and losing this trial had been hard on all of them – but especially him. They both knew it and so they both found themselves here.   
“Merlot, please.” Olivia replied and caught a good look of the man next to her. She hadn’t noticed earlier when they were in court but he looked more exhausted than normal with dark bags under his eyes. There was something nagging at him. Something more than the case and she had an inkling what it was. It happened to all of them, eventually, they hit a wall. The reality of working on these types of cases day in and day out built up slowly and then hit like a ton of bricks. She had seen it many times before; with detectives, ADA’s, medical examiners … herself. Eventually it hit and you couldn’t help but re-examine your life and career. Couldn’t help but wonder if you would be better off somewhere else. Often, people decided they were.   
“What’s on your mind Barba?”   
“I was thinking about the first time you found me here.” He replied. “Do you remember?”  
“Of course, it was during the Jeremy Jones case.” Benson wasn’t surprised at the sudden change in topic. It made sense. Barba was wondering if he would be better off in another department or private law or anything that wasn’t sex crimes. He was thinking back over his cases, over his career, weighing the pros and cons. “That was one of the first cases you worked with us.”   
“Right after my transfer.” Barba took a sip of his scotch. “I told you that I was going to charge Jones with hate crimes against gay men and you … you thought I was crazy or homophobic or both.”   
“I didn’t think you were homophobic.” Benson defended. “Or crazy.”   
“I heard the delay.” Barba chuckled and he placed a few bills on the bar. “Do you want to go somewhere quieter? Maybe get dinner?”   
“That sounds nice.”   
\---   
They ended up at Barba’s apartment with Chinese take-out. Olivia had been surprised when he had suggested it. He had been to her apartment a few times to work on cases while she was home with Noah but she could not think of a time that he even mentioned his apartment, let alone suggested they go to it. She had expected to live him in a brand new high rise and while his apartment was quite nice it was in an heritage building. Olivia walked around the living room, admiring the old brick walls and open-floor plan, while Barba served out dinner. The part that didn’t surprise Olivia about his apartment was how sparsely it was furnished and how tidy it was (especially compared to her house). Though, she thought back to the years before she had Noah, and her places could hardly have been described as homey. Barba’s had a small couch, a coffee table with a couple of neat stacks of newspapers and yellow legal pads, and a T.V. that she wondered if he ever really watched. His kitchen looked even less lived in. The counters were completely clear except for a coffee pot, a clean coffee mug rested right next to it, and a toaster. He had no kitchen table and instead two bar stools at the counter. “It’s not much.” His voice broker her thoughts.   
“I like it.” She replied and slid onto one of the bar stools. The two ate in a comfortable silence but Benson couldn’t help but notice something was clearly still nagging at Barba.   
“You know, you never told me when you started working with SVU.” Olivia broke the silence. She had had many of these conversations. Conversations where the person wasn’t sure if they might the right choice. She knew that, regardless if they decided to keep working with SVU or not, it was good to remember why they started.   
“Well, I worked for a private law firm when I was first out of school. We mostly represented people who were suing companies, you know suing pharmacy companies.” Barba explained. “It wasn’t very rewarding and not what I went to law school for but it did pay well and I had a lot of student debt so I ended up doing it for quite a while. Almost five years actually.”   
“So, I moved on and got a job at the Brooklyn DA office. Just doing general criminal law; petty theft, occasional assault, you know that sort of stuff. When there was an opening with their SVU department I decided to go for it.” Barba shrugged.   
“Why SVU?” Benson ventured. Silence. Barba just stared ahead. Quiet. Unmoving. “Or was there just an opening?” The question, asking people why they decided on SVU, was a hard one for some people. Benson worried that she pushed it him too far, asked something too personal, and offended him.   
“It wasn’t just an opening.” Barba replied quietly. “When I first got to university I didn’t make a lot of friends. I didn’t fit in with a lot of them but there was this girl from Harlem who was on scholarship too. We lived in the same hall and would study together a lot. We were both quiet and didn’t party much or anything. Then one night, Yelina had just broken up with me, knew the call was coming but I was upset. It was a Friday night and I convinced her to go to a frat party with me. We got drunk. I got drunk and didn’t notice when she went missing. I didn’t notice when three guys had brought her upstairs and raped her. I didn’t notice and it … it ruined her. She was depressed. Her grades dropped. She didn’t want to hang out with me anymore. She didn’t come back to school for the second semester. I tried to get in contact with her but never managed to track her down.” Barba’s voice was quiet, almost shaking. Olivia had never heard Barba sound so upset.   
“I’m not proud of it but I tried not to think about it, or her, for years. Instead, I moved on. I got my degree, I went to law school but it stayed with me. When the job opened up I thought I could finally make a difference. I could fight for the people who … who people don’t tend to fight for.”   
“Wow, thank you, for sharing.” Olivia replied. She tentatively reached out and patted him on the hand. She was ready to pull away but chose not to. Chose to let her hand rest on his. He didn’t pull away.   
“I never heard your story.” Barba said softly. “I never heard why you pursued a career with SVU.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Mention of sexual assault and rape.   
> This is a really short paragraph but more it coming soon! Thanks for all the positive feedback on the first chapters.

Olivia took a deep breath. It was time. It was time to tell him the truth. If they were going to continue getting closer, then it was time. She was uncertain what it meant, their getting closer. It was undeniable that their relationship was changing. Changing from colleagues to friends to … well she wasn’t sure but it was something different and she liked it. She liked their changing relationship. She liked it and that meant she wanted him to know, to fully understand her, but it was the telling him. Telling people never got easier.   
“I grew up knowing the realities of what rape can do to someone. How it can harm someone.” Olivia spoke softly. “My … my mother was raped. The trauma from that, and from never getting any kind of closure, turned her into an alcoholic. What was worse was that she had a constant reminder of the worst moments of her life.” Olivia explained. “Every time she looked at me she was reminded.”   
“Oh,” Barba managed. “I am so sorry.” For once in his life Rafael Barba was speechless. He looked at Olivia and saw something new in her. Something he had never seen in her face. Vulnerability. She looked vulnerable. He had seen her at some of her worst moments after Lewis and during the trial. She had seen her hurt, scared, angry but never vulnerable. A mask he had never realized was there had disappeared. “Your mother, she’s never had any kind of closure?”   
“No, she died about fifteen years ago. Drunk, fell down the Subway stairs by the bar.” Olivia ran her had through her hair. “So, this probably isn’t the fun night off from work you were hoping for.”   
“Because my story was so cheery.” Barba replied with a smirk. “Thank you for trusting me and telling me something so personal. I’m sorry that you have had to go through that.”   
“Thank you for being someone that I knew I could tell.” Olivia smiled and looked into his green eyes. With face was covered with concern but not pity. She reached across and held his hand. Comfortable. The only way she could describe being with him: comfortable. Even when they were fighting with each other over work it was comfortable. Safe.


	4. Chapter 4

A date. An honest to goodness date. Olivia Benson was on an honest and goodness date with Rafael Barba. No matter how many times she repeated it to herself it didn’t seem true. Yet, here she was, sitting in a nice restaurant with low lighting, a bottle of wine in between them, and waiting for their food to arrive. When Barba had walked back into her office three days ago, she was surprised as they were in between cases and had not expected him. He had closed the door to her office and asked point blank: “would you like to go on a date with me Friday night?” The question, and how he had asked so directly, took her off guard. After some stammering she accepted the date. 

The evening, so far, had gone alright. He had picked her up from her apartment promptly at seven which was a little unfortunate for her since she wasn’t ready yet. Lucy, and a very chatty Noah, had kept him company while she quickly finished getting ready. They had walked to the restaurant, only five blocks, and the evening was surprisingly warm and pleasant. One of the first warm evenings of the year. However, they both found themselves struggling with conversation topics. It wasn’t like most first dates, they knew each other, the regular get-to-know-you small talk didn’t apply. Yet, they also found it difficult to not talk about work. This night was supposed to be different than any other night. If they only spoke about work then it was no different from any other night they ended up having dinner together. While they both enjoyed all those other nights this was supposed to be different. 

Olivia watched as Barba, dressed in an impeccable dark blue three-piece suit, made his way back from the washroom. He gave a quick smile as he sat down across the small table from her. “So, how is Noah finding pre-school?” Barba offered, somewhat awkwardly. 

“Good,” Olivia smiled and Barba watched as her eyes lit up. Her eyes always lit up when she talked about Noah and Barba liked to see it. “It took a little while but he’s adjusted well. They were a little concerned that he was behind with his verbal skills but he’s catching up.” 

“That’s good.” Barba replied. He wanted to ask more about Noah but found himself not knowing what to say. He didn’t know enough about children to ask. Once again, silence fell between them. 

“I’m sorry.” Olivia blurted out. “I think I forgot how to be on a date.” It had been a while. Sure, she had been with Tucker but even then, they hardly dated in the traditional sense since they were both so busy and the same was true when she was with Cassidy. Going out to a sit-down dinner, first date was almost a distant memory. 

“Oh, no. I’m the one who apparently has no idea how to date. I don’t really … It’s been a while since I tried to date.” He replied. “I’m really glad we’re on this date and I’m sorry that I’m not great at it. It’s not because I don’t want to be here though.” He reached across the table. “I promise, that I do.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for sexual content and talk of assault

Three dinners at restaurants, two walks in the park on the weekend with Noah, and several quick coffees before work together. It had been nearly three weeks since their first date and it was going smoothly. The initial awkwardness had faded away but the excitement and butterflies of a new relationship hadn’t. They had been taking it slow. After the first date, it was only a kiss on the cheek. The second date ended with a proper kiss at the door but nothing more. After the third dinner, the kiss was longer, deeper, Barba wrapped his arms tightly around her waist and her hands clung to his shoulders. They had disengaged, breathless and in a warm fuzz from the kiss, Barba had smiled, said goodnight and turned on his heel.   
Tonight though, tonight Olivia had invited him over for dinner at her apartment. Noah was at a sleepover with Rollins who, despite hinting strongly she wanted details, did not actually know why Olivia asked for her to take him. The spaghetti, with homemade sauce, was slowly cooking away. The apartment was clean. Yet, Olivia wandered around the apartment and kept trying to tidy.   
Barba arrived shortly after wearing a white button down, black slacks, a sports coat and no tie. The slightly more casual dress made Olivia’s heart beat. She loved her suits but there was something about this look, while still pretty fancy for a lot of men especially the cops she used to date, was undeniably attractive. He handed her a bottle of wine and gave her a kiss on the cheek.   
“Wow, whatever you’re cooking smells delicious.” He commented as he slipped his shoes off and followed her into the apartment.   
“Thanks, it’s just spaghetti but I did make the sauce and noodles myself.” Olivia smiled. “It’s funny, before I had Noah I hardly ever cooked at home and when I did it was all pretty straight forward, like putting a piece of chicken in the oven, but I’ve found that I actually quite like cooking.”   
“It seems like you’re good at it.”   
“Well, you haven’t actually tried it yet.” Olivia replied as she popped the cork of the wine he brought and poured them each a glass. “It’ll be ready any minute.”  
“Anything I can do to help?”   
“No, that’s okay.”   
The dinner was as delicious as it had smelled. They ate, talked and laughed with comfort. Barba had felt a little uncomfortable at first, being in Olivia’s space like that, a restaurant always provided a buffer and any other time he had been to her apartment they had been friends but that discomfort had faded away easily enough. He insisted on clearing the plates and loading the dishwasher. They stood in Olivia’s small kitchen. Both unsure of how to proceed and feeling a bit like awkward teenagers. Barba smiled and took a step towards her. He placed one hand on her hip and kissed her. It started soft but turned harder, deeper. His other hand found a place on her lower back and she pushed her body against hers. They disengaged after several moments.   
“Can I get you another glass of wine?” Olivia asked, slightly out of breath and unsure of what else to say.   
An hour of sitting on the couch and chatting passed. Barba came back from the washroom and sat next to Olivia who took him my surprise by planting a kiss on his lips. This time they didn’t just kiss. Olivia turned into him and slid onto his lap, straddling him.   
“Wow.” He managed and she moved her kisses from his lips to his neck. Barba found the zipper of her dress and started to undo it. “Is this okay?”   
“Yes.” She replied and a moment later the dress was unzipped and pushed down to her waist. Olivia unbuttoned his shirt and ran her hands over his chest. Both had, secretly, been concerned that this line would be too hard to cross but it had been easy. It felt right. “Do you want to go to the bedroom?” Olivia asked between kisses.   
“Yes.” Barba replied. Her dress was abandoned on the floor, his shirt on the couch, they rushed to the bedroom. Olivia undid his belt and his pants fell onto the floor. They stumbled to the bed, kissing, arms wrapped around each other. They fell to the bed and he began to kiss his way down her body; her neck, her chest – he paused. He didn’t mean to. He didn’t want to notice them. He didn’t want to remind her of the scars that marked her body. The scars that reminded her of the worst moment of her life. He tried to move on, pretend he didn’t notice, but it was too late.   
“Can you turn off the lights?” Olivia asked briskly. Barba immediately went to the wall and shut the lights off.   
“We can stop.” He said still standing at the light switch. “Liv?” Quiet. Moments of quiet passed. Slowly, his eyes adjusted to the dark and he moved towards her. She was still lying on the bed exactly how he had left her a few moments ago, but she was stiff. He sat on the edge of the bed. “Liv?”   
“I’m so sorry.” Her voice was quiet. Slowly, she sat up but wouldn’t turn to look at him.   
“It’s okay.” He replied. “I’m sorry if I did something to … upset you.”   
“It’s not you.” Olivia replied softly. Tentatively he reached out and placed a hand on her shoulder. “Why don’t I make us some tea and we can, if you want, talk.”   
Barba pulled his pants back on and left the bedroom. He put the kettle on and tidied up the living room a bit. Just as he was pouring the hot water into the teapot Olivia emerged wearing a pair of yoga pants and an NYPD t-shirt.   
They slid onto stools on either side of the island and both stared silently at the steam rising out of their mugs for a few moments.   
“I’m sorry for ruining tonight.” Olivia said.   
“You didn’t ruin anything.” He replied. “Seriously, you have nothing to be sorry for. You, you don’t have to but if you want to, we can talk about it.”   
“I do want to talk about it but … it’s hard.”   
“That’s understandable.” He offered a reassuring smile and placed his hand on her.   
“Ever … ever since Lewis.” Olivia sighed. “Ever since Lewis I’ve been embarrassed, ashamed really, of my scars and so, when I was with you know.” Olivia felt weird telling Barba about her past relationships but if it bothered him he didn’t let on. Instead he just kept looking at her with those piercing green eyes and looking back into them made her comfortable, calm. “Well, anyways, I guess it’s easier with the lights off and for you it’s … you know the details. You studied that case, you prosecuted that case, you knew every detail and … and I hate that you know and I hate that there are physical reminders.”   
“Thank you for opening up to me. That couldn’t have been easy.” He replied. “But, you have nothing to apologize for or be embarrassed about. I know, that’s easy for me to say, but I want you to know that no details or scars could make me see you in a different light. You are an amazing and strong woman and your past, what you’ve overcome, only convinces me of that more.”   
“Thank you,” Olivia practically whispered. “I appreciate it. I appreciate you but … it’s not going to be easy. It’s not that I don’t want to be physical with you but it might not be easy and I can’t know until it’s happening that I’m going to be triggered. I understand if you don’t want to deal with that. I’m giving you an out okay. A clean break.”   
“I don’t want an out.” He leaned across the counter and softly kissed her cheek. “That is the last thing I want."


	6. Chapter 6

Rafael slipped out of bed carefully as to not disturb Olivia. He pulled on his slacks and undershirt and slipped out the bedroom. It was the first time she offered for him to spend the night. They had taken things slow but after a few more weeks Olivia told him that she was ready and wanted him to spend the night. The bright red alarm clock light told him that it was nearly two in the morning. He had tried to fall asleep and lying there with her he felt so relaxed that he thought me might actually. But the minutes had passed and after over an hour of staring at the ceiling he had to get up. Despite spending more time together over the past while Barba was acutely aware that he was not in his own space. At home, it didn’t matter if he got up in the middle of the night or fell asleep on the couch. However, it felt awkward to be skulking around in the dark in an apartment that wasn’t his. He clicked on the lamp in the living room, pulled the case notes out of his briefcase, and went to work.   
Despite being used to sleeping alone Olivia noticed that something was missing before she opened her eyes. After reaching out across the bed and not feeling anyone Olivia’s eyes shot open. Quickly, she looked around the room. Olivia sat up, rubbed her eyes and looked around the room more closely. His pants were missing but his dress shirt and tie were still lying on the floor. She trained her ears but didn’t hear the bathroom fan that went on when the light was on. Nothing. Olivia slid off the bed, pulled on her yoga pants and an old t-shirt that she slept in and ventured into the hallway. “Rafael?” She called.   
“Oh, hi.” He called back.   
“Hey.” Olivia said with a small smile as she entered the living room.   
“It’s 4 in the morning.” Olivia slipped onto the couch next to him. “How early do you get up?”  
“Oh, uhm … I actually haven’t been asleep yet.” Barba replied. “I didn’t mean to worry you or get you out of bed so late or … early I guess.”  
“Is something wrong?” Olivia asked. “I mean, you’re working but I didn’t think you had anything extremely pressing to do.”  
“I don’t.” Barba sighed and dropped his pen.  
“So, what’s wrong?”  
“Nothing’s wrong I just couldn’t sleep.”   
“You could have gone home. I know it can be hard to sleep in someone else’s bed.”  
“It’s not that.” He shrugged. “I don’t sleep much in general.”  
“You have insomnia?”   
“No, I just don’t need that much sleep.” Barba replied. “Oh, come on, don’t give that worried look.”  
“Well …”   
“I’m fine.” Barba replied. “Come on, let’s go back to bed.”   
“You’ll sleep?”   
“Well, that’s one option.” He grinned before kissing he deeply.


	7. Chapter 7

Every day felt a bit like a dream. Their relationship was going well. It had been a couple of months and things were feeling comfortable. Barba would go over for dinner as much as their schedules would allow which usually ended up being three to four times. On Sundays, they would usually take Noah out somewhere – usually a park. Noah was getting more comfortable with Barba and Barba was more comfortable with Noah.   
Overall, things were going well and neither could quite believe it. Except, Barba didn’t spend the night. Olivia was fine with it, especially at first, because she didn’t really want Noah to get too attached or start asking questions. Besides, Barba kept telling her that he actually did sleep better at home and he promised her that he was sleeping.   
Noah had gone to bed quickly that night. It had been a warm spring Sunday afternoon so they had taken Noah to the zoo and by the time they got home he was exhausted. Actually, they were all exhausted. Olivia and Barba had curled up on the couch to watch a movie but within the first half an hour they were both asleep. When Barba first woke up the movie had ended. His arm was wrapped around Olivia’s shoulders and her head had fallen onto his chest with one arm wrapped around his torso. He leaned forward carefully to grab the remote and click the TV off. He leaned back, kissed her head softly, and as he was wondering if he should wake her up so she could go to be and he could go home he closed his eyes again.   
Olivia woke up to the sound of his voice only it did not sound quite like his voice. They were just mumbles but sounded rougher than his normal voice. Cold. Hard. “No, get away.” His voice became clearer and Olivia’s eyes shot open and sat up straight. Barba was asleep, his eyes fluttering, his face looking troubled. “Fuck off, get away from her.” Loud. Clear. Angry. Olivia couldn’t help but wince. Even though she knew he was asleep, knew he was having a nightmare, knew that it wasn’t real she winced at the words he spat.   
“Rafael,” Olivia tried to keep her voice even and calm. “Rafael, it’s a dream. Wake up.” His eyes shot open and he looked around bewildered. “Rafael, you’re okay. It was just a dream, you’re fine.”   
“Wha – Liv?”  
“Yes, it’s me.” Olivia placed a tentative hand on her shoulder. “You’re okay. You’re fine. It was just a bad dream, okay?”   
“I …” Barba rubbed his eyes. “I’m sorry. I … that was weird. Was I saying something?”  
“Yeah, you were. Do you often have nightmares?”  
“I don’t think so.” Barba shrugged. “It must have been from the movie or something.”  
“Okay,” Olivia ran her hand through her hair. “I’m going to make some tea.”   
A few minutes later Olivia returned with two mugs of lemon herbal tea despite knowing that Barba was not a tea drinker. “Rafael, I’m going to ask you something and I really want you to be honest with me.”   
“Okay.”   
“Do not sleep much because you have nightmares?” Olivia asked point-blank. Barba opened his mouth to deny it and then paused.   
“Yes, well sort of.” Barba replied. “Often I just can’t sleep but I’ll wake up because of nightmares so I’ve become pretty good at knowing how to avoid them. Usually, if I’m really exhausted I won’t have them.”  
“Talking about it can help.” Olivia said. “You don’t have to tell me but if you want to I will listen.”  
“I … I want to but …”  
“It’s hard, I know.” Olivia put her hand on his knee.   
“What was I saying?”   
“You were telling someone to get away, away from her.”   
“Ah, that makes sense.” Barba sighed. “I, I have dreams sometimes about my childhood about … my father. He was, well, he wasn’t a great man. Actually, he was awful. He drank a lot and he had a lot of anger. When I was a kid he would usually ignore me, which was fine. Sometimes he would yell but he wasn’t physical with me. As I got older, he got angrier. I wasn’t the son he wanted. So, when I got older, about eleven I guess, he started to hit me. Not too much as first but just shove me into the wall or hit me across the head with his open palm. Then one day, it was the summer that I was sixteen, and I was working at a bodega down the street. I came home at around midnight and there he was, hitting her. My mother. I …. That’s what those dreams are. Fighting him off.” He had never told anyone about the abuse that he faced as a kid. Not really, he had hinted at it here and there with select people but he never told someone exactly how it was. The details had been his to know for so long.   
“I’m so sorry that you had to go through that.” Olivia replied softly. “No one should have to go through that.” There was something in her facial expression, her eyes, something. It wasn’t pity. The few people that Barba had opened up to about this before, the very few and not for many years, all looked at him with the same expression. Pity. It was a look that he despised. It was a look that they did not even know they were giving but it was always there. Except with Olivia. With Olivia, there was another look. Not pity. Not concern. Something else entirely - understanding.   
“Liv?”  
“My Mother.” Olivia nodded. “I know I told you about her drinking and how she wasn’t exactly a great mother but there were times … she … not often but sometimes she was physically … abusive.”   
Barba stood up, placed his hands in hers, and pulled to up to him. They wrapped their arms around each other. They felt themselves relax into one another. “I love you.” He said quietly into her neck. For the first time since he was in his early twenties he told a woman that he loved her. “Olivia, I love you.”   
“I love you too Rafael.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm very interested in flushing out the backstories of Barba and Benson. Also how that, and their strong personalities, would affect them trying to get into a relationship


End file.
